5 Trends in Metal That Need to Stop Immediately

As long as there has been heavy metal, there have been forces working to take it down from within. In the 1980s, it was glam metal, which sought to convince mainstream America that it was somehow "heavy" to wear profuse amounts of makeup and spandex while strutting around Los Angeles like a bunch of male prostitutes. In the early 1990s, a group of dirty, drug-addled Seattleites thankfully killed this movement, but with Kurt Cobain's suicide and the collapse of most of the other heavy hitters from the era, grunge gave way to rap metal and nu metal, which marked a new low for the genre at large. It didn't take long for Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park to become Slipknot and Disturbed, and suddenly the new standard for angst-ridden music was made even more obnoxious. In this decade, metalcore was born and brought to metal's forefront for a time, and its heavy hitters like Killswitch Engage and As I Lay Dying were even worse than Slipknot. In 2009, it's easy to become complacent. None of the aforementioned trends are very strong. But it doesn't mean there isn't awfulness in metal; it's just better disguised. What follows is a list of five "next big things" that the metal community just doesn't need. Let the flaming begin!

5. Irony: I shouldn't have to tell you that irony is the lowest form of comedy, lower even than the pun, and that it has no place in metal. Unfortunately, it's a very real side-effect of the hipsterization of our beloved genre. Examples of irony's infiltration into metal include listing "hilarious" genres like crunk and afrobeat on your MySpace page, penning "hysterical" song titles, recording "priceless" cover tunes, doing "funny" photo shoots that make you look like children, and mass-producing too-tight t-shirts in every color of the rainbow. Worst offenders: Iwrestledabearonce, The Devil Wears Prada, A Day to Remember, the entire Rise Records roster

4. Tough guy stage presence: This only really applies to the live environment, but since bands that participate in this tomfoolery tour this country like a cancer, it's dire. Because I'm a nice guy, I'll give some tips to heavy metal frontmen who feel the need to engage in macho posturing. First of all, if your music was worth moshing to, the crowd would mosh. Telling them to is lame and annoying. Secondly, your audience is guys who got off at the factory early and want to get out some rage before they go home, put on a wifebeater, and inevitably beat their wife. And that's fine. But stop touring with good, sophisticated bands and hitch a ride with Lynyrd Skynyrd when they're in town. Their audience would appreciate your Neanderthalic chest-pounding a lot more than most of the people you insist on playing for. Worst offenders: Lamb of God, DevilDriver, Dååth, Demiricous

3. Extremely guttural vocals: I shouldn't have a problem with straight up, honest-to-God death metal, but sometimes I do. To bands who feel the need to gargle thumbtacks before they hit the mic, I implore you to listen to your forefathers. Chuck Schuldiner, Jeff Walker, John Tardy, Chris Barnes, and Tomas Lindberg did not vomit while trying to say words and call it a vocal performance, so quit trying to out-brutal one another and find a vocal identity of your own. Worst offenders: Dying Fetus, Job for a Cowboy, Godless Rising, most bands with illegible logos

2. Traditional folk instruments: For some reason, the current "pagan metal" movement is being critically lauded and dominating the U.S. tour scene. In the early days of the scene when bands like Finntroll and Moonsorrow mostly stood alone, I wouldn't have had much of a problem with it, but it's becoming an excuse for a lack of musical vision. "Oh, we're from Scandinavia! We can just play Grandpa's music and scream over top of it!" News flash: it is possible to pay tribute to your heritage without compromising your testicular fortitude. Just ask Amon Amarth. It's even more annoying now that bands with no pagan heritage insist on playing pagan metal. If you're from any state with the possible exception of Minnesota, your heritage is not strong enough to justify a hurdy-gurdy. Mark my words, this faux-Viking crap will be an embarrassing memory within a year or two. Worst offenders: Turisas, Ensiferum, Tyr, Eluveitie

1. Breakdowns: It should come as no surprise that breakdowns take the top spot on a list of what's wrong with metal today. The so-called deathcore movement has taken the one element of thrash and death metal that could ruin otherwise good songs and made an entire genre out of it. I can barely justify listening to anything that makes prominent use of the breakdown, and there's nothing you can say to convince me that they have value. I don't have words for how awful deathcore is and how immediately it needs to die. Worst offenders: Suicide Silence, Bring Me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Animosity